Can't sleep. Typing til I'm sleepy.

I'm going to pretend that me not making my manifesto (in blog form) was part of my original plan. Something about the irony of the procrastination-post.

I do a lot of those.


--------

I love the winter. I'm sorry but I do. I can't wait for it to get cold again and for me to be able to wear my knits. I effen live for that shizz. I miss the snow. I miss not sweating. I miss looking formal and not being drenched underneath. I miss growing pale.

I miss having more to do. At least in the winter I've got school to worry about at the same time so I'm less sucked into the internet. Stupid, stupid internet. I wish my neighbours would try harder with their "UDP flood attacks" which apparently mean that they're trying to access our network and at the same time killing my internet.

I wish I'd watched every single show of every single series of every single television program already so that I'm not obligated to latch on to every past-popular series I've ever heard of. I'm trying to straight-A this coming semester and it most certainly won't happen the way things are going.

What the heck was I even on about?

So yeah I can't wait for the winter.


--------

That was fast.

Good night.

My Manifesto

I realize that I'm going to be rough with this little rant. I always am. But I'm being rough on purpose. I'm just getting back into this thing, plenty of time to get it right. And who's grading this anyway?

So...a manifesto...I've been through a lot of these in my lifetime. I've even, at times, forced myself to write them down on paper. In essence, manifestos are just a giant version of my scrawly to-do lists that I never end up sticking to. So let’s not muck around. Let’s get AA about this.

I’m Jayo and I’m leading myself into a life of failure. I’m Jayo and I’m wasting my life away on momentary giggles. I’m Jayo and I’m addicted to the internet. I’m Jayo and I’m Jayo and I’m a self-destructive, chronic procrastinator.

And no, contrary to popular belief, procrastination cannot just be “got over”. Telling a procrastinator that they just need to manage their time better is like telling a depressed person to “cheer up, buddy”. This has been proven, don’t talk to me about this or suffer my wrath. I DO NOT HAVE A TIME-MANAGEMENT ISSUE. I have plenty of time. It’s my constant urge to waste it that’s my problem.

So anyway, if I'm to make this thing work, I'm going to need to cover all grounds. My little piece of paper infused with my moments of (momentary) productivity just aren't going to cut it. The way I see it, "the drive" that I've been searching for, a cure for my so-called "existentialism" (counselor's words, not mine), a magical moment of clarity, just isn't going to come. Procrastination, being my greatest enemy, is playing dirty. It makes my mind play tricks on me. It plays with my endocrine system. It assures me that "Everything's going to be okay". And I guess it will be. And I guess that every time I fail, I'm training myself to accept it. I'm young, skilled (I like to tell myself) and blessed with infinite resources.

So…why the heck is success so hard?!

I’m kicking myself right now just thinking about all the times this month alone that God (and I’m assuming we’re still BFFs) has given me lifelines. The miraculous all-nighters, the class cancellations, the amazing essays – I still can’t believe that he’s still with me.

But I lie. I’m not kicking myself. And I guess that makes me a bad person. How ungrateful am I being right now? How ridiculous is it that all my problems, all the extra hard work that I’m needing to do…they’re all because I was too lazy to start that freakin assignment early. Or too sure of myself that I was going to get it all done. See how annoying this is? I had the time. I had it and I wasted it. I know where I’m going wrong. I know exactly where I’m going wrong.

My counselor’s right, I really do need to know where I’m going with this. She asked me last week…the hardest question someone’s ever asked me. She asked me where I was going with all this…college and everything. She said that without knowing what I was doing it all for…I’m giving myself an excuse to not even try. I seriously don’t know. I thought I did awhile ago. And it scares me that I don’t know, it really does. But then again, who really does? Who has time to think about that stuff? I do, but I don’t. So I guess I won’t. I don’t think I need to yet. And I don’t wanna get stuck in something and realize that I don’t like it. That’s happened before.

So I’ll be different in my approach I guess. Not so much the endpoint this time. Not so much trying to take hold of the rest of my life this time. All of it – it doesn’t seem real you see. It doesn’t feel real. It’s all so adult. And at the same time, it’s all too real. I don’t know, maybe I’m just complicating it.
Regardless, I need this. A huge change. A vast improvement. A better lifestlyle. I need all of that. So without going too far into this thing people like to call “the future”, I guess my more permanent source of motivation…or “drive”…will be just that. I’m doing all this…the study…the reading…the change…for the sake of changing. I’m fully just ready to convince myself now that what I’m doing now…trawling the internet for things to make me laugh (for like a second) is harmful. I’m fully ready to accept that I’m leading a destructive lifestyle. I’m fully ready to just give my laptop to my parents or something. I’m fully ready to change.

I hope.

So on that note…no more motivational sentences that do nothing except lead me into a wikipedia-esque adventure trail. That clearly doesn’t work. No more late nights of catchups. It gets me tired the next day leaving me in the “I’ve achieved enough today, I think I’ll just mess around now” state (it’s a never-ending cycle). No more trying to mirror the lives of amazing people. God knows that never works…it only succeeds in strengthening my inferiority complex. No more “breaks” as I like to call them. The allotted 5 minutes clearly isn’t going to end up being 5 minutes. I won’t digg. I won’t tube. They’re not worth my time.

And now it’s gonna seem pretty crappy of me that I’m wanting to continue this tomorrow. But I’m tired. And human. And you’re just a blog. So stfu.
So tomorrow, a list will be present here. And it’s going to be in-depth dangit.

-jayo.

before my rant...

My artist-push for the day...



My charity-push for the day...

Breast Cancer (A FREE CLICK GIVES A FREE DONATION)

My shortfilm-push for the day...



and finally

My "I want to do this but I probably won't get around to it"-push for the day...

Script Frenzy (much like nanowrimo)

Dear Diary

I need a place to divert this...pent up creativity inside me. Being made of "win" isn't as easy as I thought it'd be.

Grrr. I wish I had something interesting to say.

The End.

One of THOSE summers

I've completely neglected this blog for quite some time. It's partly due to the fact that no one actually reads it. Mainly because I only felt the need to blog while I was still in New Zealand. But for the sake of adding an extra link on my myspace (how very bored of me...), I'll revive it.

I'm cheating. I already had a summer this year...and I was silly enough to think It would be the highlight of my year. Turns out this summer's gonna be a blast.

Prior to either summers, I never had a real summer. The ones people talk about in songs. The ones you see in music videos like the pumpkins' 1979...



I used to think Video Games and having family over constituted a good summer. And the outside world used to scare me. No, I wasn't a complete recluse. I just had other priorities. And of course back then, I had good friends. But I didn't really hang out with them. Saying "hang out" kinda sounds silly right now.

Undergoing a major priority shift, I had zero fun in my final six months of high school. American High School is far different from New Zealand High School in that, everyone's future in New Zealand is determined by the final exams of the final year of high school alone. So I got my head down. I refused to eat anything sweet...or fizzy (and considered Red Bull to be neither sweet nor fizzy...). I played no games. Well, I played one. Got sick of it. Never played again. I never went out (although I never really did prior). Never got drunk (nor will I ever).

When exams were just about finished, my priorities shifted again. I was to leave all my friends I'd ever known less than a month after. So I decided not to get back into my retarded gaming habits and did the "hanging out thing". And it makes me kinda sad, because we had a couple of great 1979 moments (one involving a pumpkin sort of thing, a tall building and a particularly early morning).

Then I lived with my cousins for a bit. Which was a blast. It was my other summer and, being probably the last summer I'd spend with my cousins for a very long time, I had an extra dose of blastnessness. I saw more places in the space of those two months than I'd seen in the past three years.

When I got to America in February, I did get a little side tracked. Not that there was anything to be side tracked from, because I had (and still have) nothing much to do until College starts in September. So I did the gaming thing. Got bored. Did the youtube trawling thing. Got bored. Did the movie thing. Got bored. Did the TV thing. Got Bored. I ended up spending all my time IMing with old friends in New Zealand. Time Difference killed me. I realized the impracticalities...and laid off it.

So then summer came. I didn't expect much. Or nothing. Then all of a sudden I was driving to NJ with a guy named Frank. Seeing Philly. Seeing Atlantic City. Meeting people...actual people. Being outside a majority of the time. Going to New York...twice. Was accosted by mean people. Bought things. Took pictures. Walked.

My life is full of Priority Shifts. And I'm pretty sure I wasted my winter not realizing the need for one. But I'm pretty sure if the opportunity arose now, I'd most definitely know what to do.

I coined my phrase "chillax" awhile ago (and when I say coined, I mean, stole off someone on TV). It does my head in realizing that I could have found out what the word meant sooner.

Meh.