I kissed a girl and I liked it

I'm confused, in more ways than one.

First and foremost, K, what did you think I was going to do?! You were going to fucking die.
FUCKING. DIE. I don't give a shit about how angry you are at me or whatever for telling your parents. I'd prefer you didn't die. I'd prefer that we can be friends again although I'm sure, because you are the way you are, that that's not going to happen for a while. I'm hoping you've learned from this, and I'm hoping it's a growing experience. I hate the things you do, but I love you as a brother. Don't ever do that to me again.

Secondly, there's another thing that lays heavy on my mind. I can't go into it, not here (but I'd be glad to tell anyone I like who asks). It was a long overdue experience. And it was good, and I was bad. No, it wasn't sex, drugs or alcohol. I'm beginning to realize how lame a blogpost can get when no details can be shared. Whatever.

Thirdly, my final grades are up. Two As, a B and a C+. Sure, the C+ in Statistical Psychology and Research Methods wasn't too amazing, but I really think that it would have been lower had I not pulled myself together in the end. Besides, it's pulled my GPA up. Mosdef.

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It's snowing outside as we speak, I can feel it. I don't know for sure because I haven't stood up yet, but it's cold. I think I'll go jogging. I've never done it before and I'm not sure if I'll even last that long. But honestly, I just bought PacSun jeans and I want to be able to not force them to burst at the seams, you know?

And health reasons. Hah.

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It's going to be an interesting winter break, that's for sure.

Waiting for God, oh...

Ten dollar hoodie from Rue21. Black Friday was good to me.

So I'm writing this on my study break. Exam Period is a week away and I'm sort of shaky in a couple of places.

After having done no work in class in Modern Drama this whole Semester (not my fault but Norma Kroll's), we're still going to have a final exam. I only read half of the texts and now I'm expected to remember a quote from each of them? Needle. Haystack. Fudge.

So the entire class tried to convince her how tough it would be to write responses to six plays even though it was her fault we never went over them in class. I love her but I sometimes wish she knew what was going on half any of the time. So after about half an hour of trying to reason with her, she talks to us about her chemotherapy and all the sicknessness she's had and still does have and ends with "and you guys are complaining about 6 small quotes from 6 small texts?".

You can't argue with the chemo card. I just don't get how it's relevant.

Waiting for Godot's not turning out so bad. After experiencing Samuel Beckett's most absurd short plays live a couple of weeks back (produced by someone from PC's production class), I didn't think I'd be able to wrap my head around it. I think it's safe to say that I'll be able to understand this a little more than three people in trash cans speaking fast (which was amazing by the way).

The Way of a Pilgrim, however, is a piece of crap covered in scum. It's about an anonymous poor Russian (he had to be Russian) who walks around praying 30,000 times a day. I appreciate it's theological value and I get the fact that it's trying to portray or define devotion and the like, but it's repetitive, obsessive, tedious and retarded. I can't believe that out of all the texts we were given for this semester's Development of Western Civilization, this is the one I'm reading. Not Nathan the Wise, not Gulliver's Travels, not even TPaine's Common Sense. I'm reading this. And I'm bored. Which is probably the reason why I'm blogging right now. Because I'm dreading continuing it. It's worse than if Paris Hilton wrote a book on Lebanese (read that correctly) Philosophy. Damn this book to hell.

Black Friday was amazing. Never in my life had I waited for clothing stores to open. I was kinda surprised that my dad decided to take the whole family to Wrentham Villages (it's like an outlet village thing with MAD stores) at midnight to shop. Now, though, I'm poor. I'll take pictures of my fancy clothes when I'm super-bored in the Winter.

This thanksgiving break was pretty snazz. My buddy Jennifer, from Maine, came down as she wasn't exactly heading to California just for 4 days. Turkey was plentiful, shopping was had, and I finally was able to watch The Siterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. How perfect is that?

Also, this is the worst movie I've seen this year. It wasn't terrible, it just didn't end...good. Basically, The Visitor is about an old Professor who was bored and started playing African drums in his underwear with a Middle-Eastern guy who gets deported. The movie ends shortly after. Don't watch it. Ever.




I'll write a proper blog soon once I finish with my finals.

Procrastination procrastination procrastination procrastination.

The bane of my freakin' existence.

-Jayo

Below: Sigur Ros singing Gobbledigook...with Bjork. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. Hilarious/awesome.

JazzMuffin, and other things.

Happiness...is $2.50 from Jazzman's. It's imitation McMuffin, but it imitates well enough. What it lacks is sickliness and the diabetes tablets that McDonalds secretly hides in their food products, along with 1 inch squared blocks of pure cholesterol that is more properly known as "secret sauce". I miss the taste of trans-fat.

Happiness...is only having to register for one class as all other classes were preregistered by my major department. Next semester's ultimate party class, Post Modern Drama, will be the first class I'll ever have with people I am already friends with. Apart from the fact that Norma Kroll cancels approximately fourty percent of her classes, the work load she gives is so light that I find myself craving for something to do. I miss ultra-stress.

Happiness...is being the first one in line to sign up for work shifts during the study period. Happiness is also realizing that Mondays mark the start of the new week. I was able to sign up for 30 hours in total, and it's frickin' awesome. I miss not having money.

Happiness...is realizing that I have a few hours until my next class and will probably have time to finish my paper for it if I play my cards right. If I know what I'm doing, I can write 700 words per hour. Being a 1200-1500 word paper, and factoring in distraction time, I should be in shape for a speedy recovery. I miss "working well under pressure".



Hey unhappiness, fuck you.

Manic Monday

I do not need to go on at length about how much I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I do not need to go on at length about how miserable it is to get out of a fuzzy-warm house and into a cunty-cold world. I do not need to because you can see it in my face (second pic), it's a look that's clearly not impressed by the frozenness of my balls.



I'm so grotesque.

Plaid Fetish Perfect

How perfect it is to be on top of things. This very moment, in this point in time, though work isn't any lighter than it usually is, I'm on top of it...and it feels sorta fantastic.

I never ended up starting NaNoWriMo. It's just not a convenient month to be doing so. I think I'll end up reaching a 50,000 goal from writing papers and class notes alone. Possibly next year, when I'm even more on top of things (I'd actually then be above them, technically).

There's really nothing else to say for now, just wait a little while and I'll probably end up in a pile of shit again.


For the meantime, though, I'ma float around a bit.

Oops, NANOWRIMO started.

I'm officially putting normal posts on hold so I can invest time in Nanowrimo. This is my first time participating in nanowrimo and the result will determine whether I will do it next year or not.

Finger's tightly crossed.

Jayoisms Part One

Firstly, the new installment of Jayofiction will be up by the end of the week. You're all useless by the way seeing as each person voted a letter each. I'll let it brew for awhile to see if any strays would be obliged.

Today's Jayoism: "I feel like I...."

I always say it. That's that.

Jayofiction: An interactive story. Part One

I feel like if I continued to write about my day, I would end up being extremely repetitive. I'm sitting in my school's newly refurbished library (and I'd have to say that it's looking pretty nifty) and, since I still can't be bothered reading, I think I'll write. Well, kind of. I want to try something new (and by new, I mean, an old idea that I'm stealing and reviving). Please, I beg of you, participate. I hope this goes well.

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My evening begins in the most likely and ordinary spot possible: at my desk, by the window, overlooking the city. I stare at the streetlights and it stares back obligingly. The city is calm. There are no cars. Everyone who has a home is putting it to use, thus presenting the opportunity for the homeless to collect materials to build their dream homes.

My thoughts meander deeply through twisted thoughts; of deaths and gang violence, of what other people happen to be watching at this time of night and, as usual, of what exactly air particles are doing at the time that could cause my window to freeze…and then melt…and then cry...and then swallow my body. My thoughts continue to twist reality, growing increasingly absurd while my head tilts slowly downward and my eyelids grow heavy.

It is only when my head falls suddenly, onto the hardwood table, to an enormous, floppy thud, that I decide to drag myself to bed.

The room is hazy, almost misty, and I feel the cold scratching at my exposed arms and legs as I move about it. The walk to my bed seems endless and, my feet feel irrational moisture on the supposedly dry carpet.

My bed, however, is unfriendly and disarranged. Several books seek to deny me comfort. The blankets, cold and rough, are unreasonably placed and surprisingly heavy. The pillows seemed to have frozen themselves solid at the news of my coming. My bed is clearly punishing my less frequent visits.

Refusing to give in to the terrorist demands of my own bed, I casually push everything aside and settle for a thinly constructed, ill-fitting blanket that I feel is one wash cycle short of disintegrating. I numb myself to the discomfort of the bed. Comfort becomes irrelevant as I decide to let my body do what it desperately needs to do. My eyelids lock into place and fatigue prevents any bodily movements aside from the steady, tide-like motions of my breathing.

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Now comes the fun part!!!


What happens next?

a) My phone rings and the person on the other side is a long lost someone concerning something of extreme importance. For those interested, the phone concerned is a Nokia 5300 and the volume was set to 3. The ring-tone was Rick Astley's rendition of Silent Night (techno remix).

b) Magic happens in the place where the magic happens. Naturally. We’re all adults here. Trust me though; this is clearly NOT what you think it is.

c) A natural disaster leading to an exciting turn of unbelievable events that is sure to get your heart racing faster than that time you asked that girl/guy out to the prom only to find that you, a student, were not allowed to date senior faculty. Boohoo.

d) Death –with a philosophical twist.

e) I fall asleep and wake up in the morning to the smell of blueberry pancakes and low-sodium turkey bacon.

f) Mystery Dream Sequence. WOoOoOooOO.


This whole thing WILL NOT WORK unless people vote for desired continuation of the story (in the comment section of this post). If this fails, I WILL STOP BLOGGING FOREVER. Not really. But I will lose self-esteem and it will take ages until I’m able to buy new ones. Feel free to vote anonymously so that I you don't feel like it'd be awkward or anything.

The news of my death has been greatly exaggerated.

Edit: My outfitting skills are still work in progress. Agree to disagree?

Original Post:

Oh what a difference a couple of weeks makes.

I have a slight feeling that I'm changing. It's not as if I feel like I'm becoming a different person. If anything, I feel like everything I've always felt the need to keep inside is slowly creeping out. So far, it's not been scary. So far, my innocence has not got the best of me. I feel like I'm willing to do things that I'd never have done before. I feel like there's a whole other side of me that I'm letting out of it's sad, sad cave.

I like, it's nice.

I've been watching a couple of theater classes since I last wrote. I pretty much think that theater at PC, along with the people, are amazing. If given the chance to go back in time and choose another major to double with, I'd choose theater. Other than being thoroughly entertaining, I feel like I'm also absorbing a million different ideas at the same time. I guess talent inspires. I want to write now, more than ever. I want to work at my instruments again, rather than just let them collect dust. I want read more, and speak more and sing more and just to generally do more. For the first time ever, I feel like I'm in College. Better late than never.

Despite all these things, I still have a slight procrastination issue. It's easier to blow off the procrastination now though since I'm spreading myself a little thinner than ever. The busier I get, the less time I have to randomly do unproductive things. I'm meeting people at least 5 times busier than I that complain about being lazy. I guess that makes me extremely lazy. I don't know. The important thing is, I'm experiencing things that I'd never experienced before and it's awesome.

In my general plan to constantly improve myself, I feel like I'm on the right path. None of it feels wrong. It doesn't feel like I'm making the wrong decisions. I have faith in my naive intuition and level-headedness. I'm actually dying to make a mistake I'll learn from (instead of mistakes that automatically fix themselves...as is often the case).

In short, I'm one productive activity short of amazing and I think, for the first time in my life (I know, it's a blogpost of firsts), I'm happy where I am thank you very much.

Good day!

Why Blog?

I was thinking of finishing my peppy-deppy birthday blog but I guess divulging on Professor Pellegrino can wait. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, the title of this post does not imply that I will be quitting this blog.

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In light of a friend's recent situation, I came to thinking about all this blogging--what the fuck one of the stalks of my plants just died. Fuuuudge. Anyway, I'm dedicating this post to her so if she doesn't read it, I will fly to Vegas and kick her in the face with her own skyskyskyskyskyskyskytop chucks. Or at least I think that's what they're called.

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From what I can remember, this blog started off as a semi-loneliness project. I had a couple of months left in New Zealand in Auckland before I would see my familia again and my gayass high school friends were too busy being adult or some queer shit like that. Whatever the reason, I was kinda bored and needed a way to get in touch with whoever was interested. If anything else, it was a good way to get in touch with my lovely siblings without having to think on the spot (we became strangers at that point, don't ask me how).

This blog was born with no intended shape and no intended form. A plot was not devised, a theme was not preconceived. Simply put, this blog is an immovable thought-notepad with the added benefit of random strangers possibly peering into it. Likened to my thoughts, the posts lack structure and are sometimes conjured with no particular purpose than for my own enjoyment. There are no rules to this blog and there are no expected readers. I do not have a target audience and I've set out writing humongous posts knowing that it will be read by one or two people at the most, if I'm lucky.

This blog serves multiple functions, depending on my mood and current state of mind.

I've written many nostalgia-related posts in which I reminisce at simplistic and amazing moments I've had. These are happy posts and I'm amazed I even had the initiative to write them. I'm the kind of person that will forget great moments in my life and these posts are kept as insurance- Emergency Happiness.

I've written crappy filler-posts of youtube videos. These don't really deserve a description. Don't get me wrong, I love youtube and will only recommend it if it's needle-in-a-haystack type stuff, but I'm trying to steer away from this as much as possible as I'm sure it's only contributing to the viral scheme of things.

I've written a couple of blogs complaining at length about my procrastination. These posts are counter-intuitive in that they are in themselves a form of procrastinating. I especially love the fact that I assume that it only happens to me. As I progress in This American Life©, I begin to realize that procrastination, that evil demon inside me, is inside everyone. There is no cure for procrastination virus, just AZT and therapy to help manage it, and it works to some degree.

I've written many update blogs. These aren't particular interesting I don't think, but only because I don't feel I'm living a particularly exceptional life. These posts actually do have a point in that they're telling everyone, me included, where I am in my life at a certain point in time. When I get all busy, it's really easy to just lose track of where I am. These posts are me doing just that.

A type of post I hope to never write, and have tried to avoid, are depression posts. I know very well that it can be somewhat therapeutic to divulge one's deepest, darkest secrets to an unknown amount of people but I personally feel that I have nothing to be depressed about. I feel down, no doubt, but it's not depression. It's the spoilt kid inside me trying to throw a tantrum.

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The above, not too interesting, but I have a point in here somewhere. The reason I blog...

is the same reason as you blog. The very fact that my parents may or may not read this blog only motivates me more not to care. The point of having a blog as opposed to a newspaper guest commentary article is the freedom. There are no rules girl, write what you want, when you want, without the fear of people you want reading it. I cannot speak for you or even begin to know what kind of situation your in, I've always had a problem with perfect empathy with girls (I think it's anatomy that's preventing my transition). I can, however, strongly advise you not to fret. Do not change a thing you are doing because what you are doing...it's amazing. It takes balls. Coming to the point I am now, where I feel like I can write what I want without worrying about offending anyone....coming to the point I am now, where I feel like I can confidently write endless posts without the fear that nobody will ever read it...coming to this point where I'm feeling like blogging is a habit and no longer a chore, trust me on this when I say that it took over a year for me...and your pretty much there.

I can summarize the above paragraph in a couple of sentences;

My blog, in it's present state, is honest, raw, and a little kooky. But mostly honest...and it gives the freedom to be as honest as I want to be, and not have to lie about who I am or hide any part of me that I would not otherwise feel uncomfortable showing.

Why do I blog?

Personally, because I can bitches.


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Sidenote: Despite everything I've just said, you can, if you want, switch your blog to private and just let people in who are invited to read it...but that would be no fun at all.

Clean advise without the flowery emotional speech: Don't change a thing. If in doubt, blog it off.

On being 19

I woke up and didn't realize it was my birthday until just before I left for school. Is that a metaphor for the insignificance of this day?

HECK NO.

First and foremost, these people have greeted me (in correct, chronological order :P). I'd like to thank facebook for reminding them (I can say that because I, too, would forget people's birthdays without that reminder).

- Asian Am yesterday! :)
- A couple of people in my Stats-Psych Class (one was from Asian Am, I wish I could remember her name because it was EXTREMELY nice of her. Edit: Her name was Angie.)
- Kuya Lloyd [mobile] who called me during Stats-Psych which is a bummer but I got the voicemail.
- Kuya Jeff Fernandez. [Facebook]
- Kuya Brian! [Facebook] and [AIM]
- Mr. Tony Dan [Facebook]
- JIAN! Although I don't think she added enough "Happy Birthday"s in her e-mail. Disappointing. [E-mail]
- Kuya Jep, offered to kiss me later. Oh Joy! [E-mail]
- Allaaaaaan from Philly [Myspace]
- Cassie [Facebook] also wrote a lovely, somewhat provocative, heavily capped status message.
- Hannah Banana from Bristol [Facebook]
- Elsa Bermudez from Anime Club[Facebook] gave me solid advice on the definition of "old".
- Pat Knight [AIM]
- Marielle [Blogspot] dedicated a post to me. I feel wicked special now.
- Liz Curtis [Facebook] told me to frolic. I'll see what I can do.
- Brent from CA [Facebook]
- Kristine from 2 minutes from my house [Facebook]
- Joanne Blanco, of LIC Fame [Facebook]
- Sasha from Bristol [Facebook]
- Juz [Facebook]
- Ina [Blogspot] made a ridiculous excuse below
- Macy [Myspace], [Bebo], [Youtube] and [Gtalk]. Better late than never. You even had a time-difference headstart. Shame on you Macy Sto. Domingo! SHAME ON YOU. :P
- FA [AIM]
- Jessica Gallion [Facebook]


10AM
Even though probably nothing can trump the mini-laptop my mama and papa have ordered for me, I'm pretty sure my Stats-Psych Professor's present comes close. (That looks creepy, I admit).

You'll have to understand that, even though Stats-Psych sounds easy enough, I've found it tedious and over-my-head at times. At one point, I thought it burdensome and that I was only doing it because I had to. These past couple weeks however, I've been sucking it up and actually giving a crap about the class (which is new for me considering I'm usually consistent in not-giving-a-crap for certain subjects).

"So Jayo", asked my Prof as I was about to leave, "do you like all this stuff".
"What...the whole course...in general...or.." I stammered, as I usually do with figures of authority.
"All of it, the whole course and the content. Do you like it?"
"Ah yeah, it took me a while to get into it but I've been putting more effort into it recently so-"
"Yes, I can see that. Your projects lately, you're sounding like someone who'd be good at this stuff...it sounds like you're taking an interest"
"Hah yeah, I guess it all depends on my procrastination"
"Hah, that's something we all have to deal with everyday"

My point is, I rarely get the chance to...reap what I sow. My problem is, that since there's no reaping, I see no point in sowing. It sounds crazy but there's countless moments when I feel so very inferior (which is weird because I find that in general, I'm a pretty superior guy. HAH). It's moments like these; finding out I'm not doing too bad in something I think I'm doing terribly in, finding out that every minute spent staring at somewhat illegible letters in a three-ton textbook is actually worth something, finding out that sacrifice actually is a means to reward, finding out that my excuses....my many, many excuses don't quite work anymore, finding everything out in one big, gigantic epiphany...It's moments like these that I think to myself...

Wow, there's just absolutely no point in ever being miserable is there?


CNN's birthday present to me:

Macy's Birthday Present:




10PM
The rest of the day was pleasant. Iced Pomegranate Tea and a Hummus-Tabouli wrap while listening to Mogwai. God gave me sun today, thanks G!

Development of Western Civilization was awesome in that my Professor didn't want to do anything. Like for real. So we talked about politics. Professor Pellegrino is a Republican. I don't hold that against him. He had ..df.as.df.dsf.f.d TBC CATCHING BUS!

My blogs are far more interesting when I'm depressed or have nothing to do: Take Two

When I get to the point where I'm procrastinating blogposts, then there's something seriously wrong.

There's nothing too wrong though, just need to iron out the kinks in this multifaceted life of mine.

Thursday!
Was a great day. I managed to write an introduction for my 1500 word essay that was due the next day. I would have probably finished it that evening if not for Vice Presidential debate. I agree with most when they say that Sarah Palin did surprisingly well. Unfortunately, I also agree with Jon Stewart when he said that Sarah Palin doing surprisingly well is like Andy Dick only drinking half a bottle of Laundry Detergent. I got home at 11:30 after work to find that my laptop's charger was broken. I was too tired anyway so I just went to sleep.

Friday!
Was a great day. I attended Child Psych just so I could hand in my anally retentive paper. I skipped Modern Drama however, which I found out was an okay thing to do since nothing even happened. In the space of the three hours I had remaining to hand in that 1500 word Development of Western Civilization paper about Gulliver's Travels, I managed to write and edit a 1499 essay. I'm pretty sure it was an amazing essay too.

Saturday!
Was a great day. Woke up terribly early to go Filipino food shopping with mama causing her to spend twice as much as she normally would. Got home, cleaned my room, went to school to watch anime, readings etc.

Sunday!
Was a great day. Full of eating and frivolity. Not a lot else.

Monday!
Is a great day. Fell asleep and dribbled a bit in Stats-Psych but it doesn't really matter because everyone else was asleep anyway. Pop quiz in Child-Psych which I'm pretty sure I did very averagely in. Modern Drama was a nightmare...in a way. Dr. Kroll wasn't having a good day and didn't know what was going on (bless her, she's like 80). We wasted a good half hour because she didn't know what book we were reading. I lent her my copy and she still kept going to the wrong book. Mid-class people started getting fed up (or lazy) and just agreed with everything she said. At the end of class as I was retrieving my copy of Brecht's Baal, I had a neat talk with her. She remember by name at least (or some variation..."Ho-yo" or "Joho" is as good as it gets I guess). "You wanna know a secret Hoyo? You know how when you open a can of Spaghetti" she said, "and you know how you drain it through a siv?" to which I smiled and nodded even though I didn't have a clue what was going on. "That's how I'm feeling right now", she said through the biggest, goofiest grin I've ever seen.

Let's hope I get some study in today.

Back to Form

The way I'm working right now...I don't think it's healthy.

Heavy spurts of procrastination one day and then heavy spurts of study the next...I don't think it's healthy.

Feeling like talking to everyone one day and then feeling like talking to no one the next...I don't think it's healthy.

Going vegetarian one day and then roast beef sandwiches the next...I don't think it's healthy.

Sleeping 8, wonderful hours one day and then sleeping 3 or 4 the next...I don't think it's healthy.

Being in a state of ecstasy one day and feeling not so good the next...I don't think it's healthy.




But it's not exactly unhealthy is it?

Things I'll never say.

"Baby, I love you"
"I slept early last night"
"I already knew that"
"I wasn't falling asleep"
"I think she's hot"
"I think she's smoking"
"I'd tap that"
"No thanks, I'm not hungry"
"I haven't had coffee today"
"I've never abused printing privileges"

You broke it, you bought it, this bailout is bullsh*t!

I'm not going to start this post with a feeble "oh, I don't know the politics but I believe in the ideals". Even though it may be true.

I'm small and insignificant. To be honest, I still don't know the ramifications of a $700 billion bailout for "the fat-cats in Wall Street". I'm not even a citizen of this fine nation (not sarcasm) so I fail to see why every little headline should have anything to do with me. Except that they will, and they do. I don't know the details, I admit it. But I know a lot of people are angry. And if I had time to read into this, I'm sure I would be too.

Let's consider this for a minute:

$700 billion could buy a decent computer for everyone in the America...and then some.
It could buy everyone in the world ten years worth of "food" at 3 meals a day.
It could even buy...I don't even know how many...items from this evil cow.
And hey...it can even pay this off.

To my simplistic understanding, aforementioned fat-cats mess something up that I had completely nothing to do with and the magical government, hell-bent on making my college fees increasingly unsupported, is going to fix all of it by randomly generating a HUGE number out of nowhere just so the retards with gray hair, bluetooth headsets and starbucks cups surgically attached to their left hands can continue their very important lifestyles.

I'm aware of the importance of major businesses in my daily life. I'm aware that these major businesses going backrupt is probably not a very good thing. I'm aware that the government has a responsibility to maintain economic stability in a country. I'm also aware, however, that if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give that man a net...or something fishing-y...he'll eat for a lifetime. Having thoroughly destroyed that proverb, my point still stands.

As a taxpayer (or at least a child of a tax payer), I deserve a say in what my money is spent on and frankly, I'd rather have 18 million of these.

RIPTA, I loathe thee!

So RIPTA, Rhode Island’s ONLY means of public transportation, screwed me over once again. Twice.

I attended the PC Democrats meeting last night (just to see what it was like) and it wasn't too bad...kinda short but Pizza was abundant. A guy had a quick talk on the importance of New Hampshire in this election. He was damn convincing about it too. I would canvas but I don't think NH undecideds would fancy getting a visit from an Asian guy, with the biggest man-crush on a certain political candidate, being wildly obvious as to who he's supporting. I think that's illegal too. Also though, and I've mentioned it before, I can't actually vote so I don't see why I have so much interest politics. I'm a sucker for revolutions I guess.

So after that I chillaxed in a friend's dorm and busted my wrist trying to play Rock Band on Easy. "So it's just like dancepad for the hands right?" I asked naively to which Patrick replied, "Yeah...something like that". Needless to say, it was nothing like that and now I think have a mild case of arthritis and the sudden need to buy an XBox 360 or PS3. Self-control, don’t fail me now.

After that, I went to my first-shift-ever at my brand-spanking new job as a computer lab monitor. I walked around, pushed in chairs, picked up paper and when I got bored I wrote an essay. If only all forms of employment was this strenuous and satisfying. Even after gratuitous chopping of vegetables, endless wrapping cycles, anal-arranging of rounded fruits, demeaning scrubbing of floors and benches and earning a hefty HALF of what I’m earning now, I have no idea why I never went back to Woolworths. Oh that’s right…because everyone that’s ever worked for Woolworth’s, as well as all of its affiliated companies ending with an “-own” prefix, is a total bitch.

So after my two hour shift, I got to my bus stop at 12:05AM to wait for the 12:15AM. Half an hour later, the bus never came and I was getting kinda sick of drunk retards spattering about disobeying pedestrian rules. I was mildly amused at the conveniently placed hotdog truck that was probably ripping off drunkards with the munchies (do drunkards get the munchies? I have no idea). Anyway, I had to call Papa Jess which heavily guilt-rid me because he looked wicked tired.

Fastforward to this morning. I woke up at 8:30AM to the sound of women and children drowning outside my window (I think) and aptly sprung out of bed as this apparently leads to a more productive day. Cereal. Shower. Metrosexual Rituals. Etc. I got to the bus stop at 8:55AM wishing a little that I owned an umbrella and/or a raincoat but not worrying too much because the bus schedule said that the bus would arrive at 9:05AM. Oh but it didn’t. And I got drenched. And I got on the bus, which was 20 minutes late, stomping and giving evil eyes to the indifferent and probably alcoholic bus driver but the MOFO don’t give a FO.

An hour of wasted aggression, awkward hellos and spilling iced-coffee on my bright shirt later, I find that I got an A+ in my Child Psych paper and suddenly it no longer mattered that I had enough water in my clothing (and probably books) to bring the entire continent of Africa out of poverty and into the mediocre, wasteful, whine-filled, unfulfilling but privileged lives we lead today.

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It’s like missing your flight to Disneyland, finding out your passport’s been stolen, being falsely arrested by airport security, being falsely abused by airport security because you have an Obama shirt on and it’s one letter away from that other guy who did nasty things, being released with a short apology by the ugly bald man with a complimentary airport donut, getting malaria from the donut, realizing you’re in the wrong airport, being hit by a moped as you exit the aiport and then bending over to find a penny. Yay! A penny!

Yep, it was something like that.

3 Feet

It annoys the heck out of me that even though I managed to get 8 hours of sleep last night, I'm still so frickin tired.

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It also annoys me that everyone around me is sick. I haven't been seriously sick for quite awhile (I think it's the amount of water I drink but I'm pretty sure that's only part of it). I can't do anything about either...it's like, if a sick person (politically correct: person who is sick) comes anywhere near me, it's not like I can just get up and leave...or turn my desk away...or cover my mouth constantly so I don't breathe in as much viral-air. I can't do that at all and it's pissing me the heck off.

GO TO YOUR DORMS AND SLEEP PEOPLE, IT'S THE RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO.

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I like that I have so much to do, I really do. It's as if I no longer have an excuse to be wasting time (although somehow I still manage). The weirdest thing about it all though is, I don't even have to look at my planner. I make the effort to put everything down but when I'm actually carrying these plans out, I don't feel the need to refer to the planner, I just do. It's the most amazing feeling being on top of things and effortlessly (in a minimal sense) doing so.

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Life Lesson Learned from Child Pscyh Class: Inhibitory Control and Delay of Gratification can be learned practiced and improved on. Basically, you can train yourself to easier resist wasting 3 hours mindlessly surfing the internet. You can train yourself to easier resist watching TV for the whole day. The professor suggested to try brushing your teeth with the opposite hand for a week and then moving on to much larger things that take more self-control to deny yourself of. I actually tried brushing my teeth with the opposite hand this morning...I banged my gum because my left hand is clumsy so I'm pretty sure that's going to turn into a mouth ulcer. SCREW PSYCHOLOGY!

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List of clubs I signed up for:
Anime Club - We just watch Anime. That's it.
Asian American Association - First meeting, they served bubble tea and then played a terrible rendition of that "Move your ass" icebreaker. Sounds like it'll be a full semester though.
PC Democrats - I technically haven't even been to a meeting yet. I can't even vote so I don't know what use I'll be.
Women Will - I joined this on a whim. I'm not sure if I canmake it to meetings but I totally believe in the causes. And they gave me a wristband so yay.
College Students Against Cancer - Kinda odd because I don't know anyone who would be PRO cancer. But it's a good cause, I'm just not sure if I can attend this either.
Environmental Club - Again, a good cause but I'm not sure if I can attend.
Students Organized Against Racism - Again another DUH cause but this is America after all. I was a little fazed because the stand they had at the college's involvement fair, when I went at least, was kinda lonely and the girl running it (a very polite and informative individual) was just filling in. I joined anyway for fun. Hah.

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I got a job. As a computer lab monitor. Basically I replace paper in printers. I think. I'm not sure, I wasn't told much. The guy just told me to turn up with some work to do and nothing much would happen. Awesome.

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I actually think I wrote better when I had nothing to do and I was kinda lonesome. Hah.

I'm kinda tired...

So I guess I won't say much this time. But next time, I promise, it'll be SUPER good.

Seriously. I'll leave you with this...

Onward!

I'm finding myself gradually improving.

There was a certain point in time when I disliked what I had become. I think it's safe to say that that time has passed (for now at least - as is often the case, I'm bound to fluctuate between ecstatic and ill-contented...I think it's called life).

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Observation of Life Number One:
It's clearly not about the result. It's the anticipation. More often than not, the result will disappoint you. The anticipation however, whether you'd like to admit it, will always be good.

Observation of Life Number Two:
When making timetables, always double your time-frames for each segment/activity, if possible. Results will satisfy (guaranteed!).

Observation of Life Number Three:
It's difficult to bite your tongue; bite your brain instead.

Observation of Life Number Four:
You're frightening, believe me.

Observation of Life Number Five:
Things will remain obvious until you yourself interpret it differently.

Observation of Life Number Six:
God Exists. He really does. I mean he really, really does. Trust me.

Observation of Life Number Seven:
When you're running out of ideas, it's best to just stop.

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end

7 Minutes of freewriting: The Hammer

I love the world.

I don't say that often enough.

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I spend a lot of time complaining about the state of my life and how everything seems to turn into crap at the most inconvenient time. I spend a lot of time complaining about how things never go my way and, to some extent, it hardly ever does. But it's days like these...when I'm feeling like there's nothing (major) going against me...and everyone's just so...freakin...nice...that I live for. I live for days when I realize who I can really count on. I live for days when I realize that, the people who I can't really count on, aren't so unreliable as I thought.

I live for clarity. When I realize that a certain way I've been thinking is skewed, I wanna possibly burst into tears. I live for moments when I accept things as they are and that most of my choices, as irreversible as they may be, were not necessarily the wrong choices. I live for moments when I realize that there is no such thing as a wrong path, as the traditionally wrong paths are merely speed-bump lessons towards the same destination. I live for moments when I realize that I'm alive...and that nothing else matters right now.

I live for Sundays of Soy-Iced Coffee and 1 hour's homework to do in the space of 3 hours.

And flowers, and rainbows, and all that jazz.

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Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels SO GOOD when it stops.

Jayo's scheme of involvement. Part I

So I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks it weird that I'm in my sophomore year at PC, live...5 minutes drive from my school and manage to avoid actually knowing anyone there. It's a very long story but just know how harder it is for me to meet people compared to everyone else in the college seeing as I'm one of the only commuters in the school (and therefore I don't sleep and eat with them).

I basically spent the whole of my first year trying to find new ways to get rid of procrastination and pretty much had no time to get a social life. Coupled with the fact that, as a commuter, I miss out on word-of-mouth and other such commodities and I pretty much didn't know (and probably still don't know) the first thing about PC.

Since everything with the procrastination's manageable now, though, I really feel it's time for me to see what real college is like. I often sell myself short but I always feel, by the end of things, that I've missed out.

I've recently begun a new regime...of taking a stab at things. One of them go-getter fellas that always annoyed me in high school. Don't get me wrong, I'll always be socially inept (I don't think I can ever change that). But the way I see it, I'm bound to come in contact with someone while I'm trying new things and at the very least, I won't be the only one in the entire college that knows my name.

I'm bad with other people's names though. We can do that around-the-group names thing and by the end I won't even remember one.

So say goodbye to the old Jayo, I won't miss him and neither should you. Say hello to the slightly upgraded...not exactly a whole upgrade-point addition but still equivalent to upgrading from 1.0 to 1.4ish...Jayo. Wow that was nerdy...I've gotta stop crap like that if I don't want to scare people away.

Fingers crossed.

Can't sleep. Typing til I'm sleepy.

I'm going to pretend that me not making my manifesto (in blog form) was part of my original plan. Something about the irony of the procrastination-post.

I do a lot of those.


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I love the winter. I'm sorry but I do. I can't wait for it to get cold again and for me to be able to wear my knits. I effen live for that shizz. I miss the snow. I miss not sweating. I miss looking formal and not being drenched underneath. I miss growing pale.

I miss having more to do. At least in the winter I've got school to worry about at the same time so I'm less sucked into the internet. Stupid, stupid internet. I wish my neighbours would try harder with their "UDP flood attacks" which apparently mean that they're trying to access our network and at the same time killing my internet.

I wish I'd watched every single show of every single series of every single television program already so that I'm not obligated to latch on to every past-popular series I've ever heard of. I'm trying to straight-A this coming semester and it most certainly won't happen the way things are going.

What the heck was I even on about?

So yeah I can't wait for the winter.


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That was fast.

Good night.

My Manifesto

I realize that I'm going to be rough with this little rant. I always am. But I'm being rough on purpose. I'm just getting back into this thing, plenty of time to get it right. And who's grading this anyway?

So...a manifesto...I've been through a lot of these in my lifetime. I've even, at times, forced myself to write them down on paper. In essence, manifestos are just a giant version of my scrawly to-do lists that I never end up sticking to. So let’s not muck around. Let’s get AA about this.

I’m Jayo and I’m leading myself into a life of failure. I’m Jayo and I’m wasting my life away on momentary giggles. I’m Jayo and I’m addicted to the internet. I’m Jayo and I’m Jayo and I’m a self-destructive, chronic procrastinator.

And no, contrary to popular belief, procrastination cannot just be “got over”. Telling a procrastinator that they just need to manage their time better is like telling a depressed person to “cheer up, buddy”. This has been proven, don’t talk to me about this or suffer my wrath. I DO NOT HAVE A TIME-MANAGEMENT ISSUE. I have plenty of time. It’s my constant urge to waste it that’s my problem.

So anyway, if I'm to make this thing work, I'm going to need to cover all grounds. My little piece of paper infused with my moments of (momentary) productivity just aren't going to cut it. The way I see it, "the drive" that I've been searching for, a cure for my so-called "existentialism" (counselor's words, not mine), a magical moment of clarity, just isn't going to come. Procrastination, being my greatest enemy, is playing dirty. It makes my mind play tricks on me. It plays with my endocrine system. It assures me that "Everything's going to be okay". And I guess it will be. And I guess that every time I fail, I'm training myself to accept it. I'm young, skilled (I like to tell myself) and blessed with infinite resources.

So…why the heck is success so hard?!

I’m kicking myself right now just thinking about all the times this month alone that God (and I’m assuming we’re still BFFs) has given me lifelines. The miraculous all-nighters, the class cancellations, the amazing essays – I still can’t believe that he’s still with me.

But I lie. I’m not kicking myself. And I guess that makes me a bad person. How ungrateful am I being right now? How ridiculous is it that all my problems, all the extra hard work that I’m needing to do…they’re all because I was too lazy to start that freakin assignment early. Or too sure of myself that I was going to get it all done. See how annoying this is? I had the time. I had it and I wasted it. I know where I’m going wrong. I know exactly where I’m going wrong.

My counselor’s right, I really do need to know where I’m going with this. She asked me last week…the hardest question someone’s ever asked me. She asked me where I was going with all this…college and everything. She said that without knowing what I was doing it all for…I’m giving myself an excuse to not even try. I seriously don’t know. I thought I did awhile ago. And it scares me that I don’t know, it really does. But then again, who really does? Who has time to think about that stuff? I do, but I don’t. So I guess I won’t. I don’t think I need to yet. And I don’t wanna get stuck in something and realize that I don’t like it. That’s happened before.

So I’ll be different in my approach I guess. Not so much the endpoint this time. Not so much trying to take hold of the rest of my life this time. All of it – it doesn’t seem real you see. It doesn’t feel real. It’s all so adult. And at the same time, it’s all too real. I don’t know, maybe I’m just complicating it.
Regardless, I need this. A huge change. A vast improvement. A better lifestlyle. I need all of that. So without going too far into this thing people like to call “the future”, I guess my more permanent source of motivation…or “drive”…will be just that. I’m doing all this…the study…the reading…the change…for the sake of changing. I’m fully just ready to convince myself now that what I’m doing now…trawling the internet for things to make me laugh (for like a second) is harmful. I’m fully ready to accept that I’m leading a destructive lifestyle. I’m fully ready to just give my laptop to my parents or something. I’m fully ready to change.

I hope.

So on that note…no more motivational sentences that do nothing except lead me into a wikipedia-esque adventure trail. That clearly doesn’t work. No more late nights of catchups. It gets me tired the next day leaving me in the “I’ve achieved enough today, I think I’ll just mess around now” state (it’s a never-ending cycle). No more trying to mirror the lives of amazing people. God knows that never works…it only succeeds in strengthening my inferiority complex. No more “breaks” as I like to call them. The allotted 5 minutes clearly isn’t going to end up being 5 minutes. I won’t digg. I won’t tube. They’re not worth my time.

And now it’s gonna seem pretty crappy of me that I’m wanting to continue this tomorrow. But I’m tired. And human. And you’re just a blog. So stfu.
So tomorrow, a list will be present here. And it’s going to be in-depth dangit.

-jayo.

before my rant...

My artist-push for the day...



My charity-push for the day...

Breast Cancer (A FREE CLICK GIVES A FREE DONATION)

My shortfilm-push for the day...



and finally

My "I want to do this but I probably won't get around to it"-push for the day...

Script Frenzy (much like nanowrimo)

Dear Diary

I need a place to divert this...pent up creativity inside me. Being made of "win" isn't as easy as I thought it'd be.

Grrr. I wish I had something interesting to say.

The End.