An exercise in Theology

You want to know what really sucks?

The moment in your life when you realize that no one can make decisions for you. The point in your life when you realize that your life is no longer in the hands of the others. The point in your life when you realize that you can no longer do your "cruisey thaaang" without suffering the consequences. The point in your life when you realize that, despite what others say, they're not going to take the responsibility for what will eventually be your decision...and you shouldn't expect them to. I feel like this is unfair. I feel like this all happened all of a sudden. I'm finding myself asking when all this started, it's as if everyone I knew got together and said decided it was time that Jayo learned to deal. And I guess I will. But the next time you all have a meeting, I'm definitely going to crash that party.

So dear God of often questionable existence, dear subject of perpetual moral debate, give me the courage to make decisions and for the love of..you...give me the courage to live with them.

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You know what else really sucks?

Procrastination. (You totally did not even see that coming).

How is it that one can spend a whole day being productive, be minimally time-wasting but still equally as behind as one was the previous day(s)? How is it that I still have a shitload to do and ZERO time to do it. How is it that I don't know how to prioritize? How is it that I can gladly spend a whole day cleaning the house but not half an hour writing an essay? How is it that I can write so many questions, all with many possible correct answers, and not have the correct answer to one?

It doesn't help that I'm convinced that I work well under pressure. It's that I just don't have a choice. I'm SO fucking mad at myself, it's not even funny.

So dear God of infinite capability, dear subject of many Switchfoot songs, give me the will to say "no" and the foresight to keep a planner.

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Whadayaknow?! Something else sucks also!

Realizing that you're not where you need to be in relation to what your passion is supposed to be. If there's anything the PC Idol experience taught me, it's that I'm not ready. I'm clearly not ready. Words cannot express my unreadiness. It's like I'm being tied a hood of a yellow rental truck, being packed in with fertilizer and fuel oil, pushed over a cliff by a suicidal Mickey mouse. No it's nothing like that. I guess I was set, beforehand, on not making it to the top 10. The very reason why I picked "I kissed a girl" was so I can go ahead and break my molds...their molds. I guarantee no one was expecting an awkward Asian kid clicking his fingers and singing I kissed a girl. Despite the intensity of the situation, I'd have to say that it was one of the best moments I've had at PC. I guess my only fault would be that I confused the joy of having an entertained an audience with actual skill. So maybe I was a little more expectant, as the night moved on, that I would get through. I lay on the floor of a piano room in Smith for about an hour immediately after that elimination round. I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever really been rejected. I should have cried, but I didn't. I should have quit but I clearly didn't

I don't know, am I just being stubborn or determined?

Ahhh God of apparent loftiness, dear subject of many forwarded e-mails, give me the patience to deal with rejection, the power to remain determined and the wisdom to know when to give up.

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So I was sitting in a toilet cubicle in Moore Hall after Development of Western Civilization and I think that's when everything just started pouring in. How much I had to do in terms of school work, how unprepared I am to audition for the musical, Urinetown, how different my life would be if I had been chosen for the top 10 of idol, how shitty I would feel if I wasn't chosen for RA how shitty I would feel if all these opportunities I'm jumping at all fail, how behind I am in my readings for classes, how lonely I'll be without the seniors next year, how weird it is that I'm alone in Moore Hall pondering existence...

Let me just say that before this pondering, I finished a week long segment of Nietzsche so these thoughts are fair in comparison.

So what happened next is really corny, but I don't even care because my life is just a ball of corniness rolled in corn syrup.

I stood up eventually and took the longest breath I'm sure I had ever taken. My bag was in the corner of the cubicle because the hook thing had snapped off. As I was reaching for my bag, I noticed a barely legible inscription almost right above the bag written in red ink.

"Find Meaning in the Struggle".

I just sat there crouched down staring at it for what was apparently ten minutes, and I was smiling the whole time. I skipped away into the sunset and applied for Resident Assistant after that, with dear Elizabeth as my trusty sidekick...in crime. :)



God. God god god. God of everything I've ever known, subject of many Sundays and midweeks, subject of the world, it seems, God of knowing who I am, and where I am at any given minute...just let me know okay?

I'm not denying you exist, I'm not in the position to do that. I'm not denying you one bit. Just let me know where the fuck I'm going and I'll go straight there at a motherfucking sprint, no doubt.

Thanks.

This is me, also copying Ina.

and it's funny, because I actually just went to her blog, read it, then copy and pasted everything because I want my blogpost to be exactly like hers except not. And boooy, I am so running outta wit and charm right now that I pretty much HAD TO copy hers.

and it's even funnier that all of the above, I just copied Macy.



I have decided, that I love Providence College.

I have also decided that I want a lime green beatle, real bad.

I've decided to become a eunuch. Any help would be appreciated.

I've decided that I really, really want fish. Lots of fish. But they'll freeze where I live.

I've decided that 17 is nothing, compared to 19. For real.

So, that's that.

Don't worry, I've been slack too. I'm thinking of a way to get everyone really into it and not have to be tied down into blogging a lot. I do like structure. I'll get back to you.

In other news (and yes, I really do have stuff to blog about);
- I'm in Providence College Idol's preliminary round (it's like the going to Hollywood part, except less intense?). YES, I will be singing I kissed a girl. YES, I will probably make a fool of myself. and YES, it'll be fun, and I guess that's all that matters.
- I'm auditioning for my school's spring musical, Urinetown (wiki it, I can't be bothered linking). I'm not too sure how I'll do because I know for a fact that I can't act. We'll see how things go I guess.
- Club stuff. This is boring for anyone else but me. But there's a lot.
- I've been a Pesco-Vegetarian since the start of December. Eventually I'll go full vegetarian (and possibly vegan, although I love eggs A LOT).
- I'm in my Catholic College Cafe right now and there's a Rabi giving a blessing to a faculty member that's leaving or something. It's so intense and awesome and Hebrew. I can now cross that off my list of things to experience.

Hey!

Want to see some photos?

Okey Dokey. [click them for bignessness]

Below is me and Nietzsche, with my Nietzsche reading face. This man single-handedly makes me want to question existence. Or something like that.

Below is me rediscovering tea. I'm pretty sure it's Honey Ginseng, but it maybe Peach Ginger.

Below is the poster I made for my friend Brandon Ferretti's play that he's directing; "Baby with the Bathwater". A hilarious play that I'm thoroughly, thoroughly excited about.
Below is my submission for my buddy Todd's Draw A Dino Day 2009 (an event that he's done and will do every year, with increasing intensity). Other submissions can be found here.
Below is a part of my room. It's a pity that I don't step a foot in it during the semester, except to get clothes. Oh STRESS. Click for larger.