My Manifesto

I realize that I'm going to be rough with this little rant. I always am. But I'm being rough on purpose. I'm just getting back into this thing, plenty of time to get it right. And who's grading this anyway?

So...a manifesto...I've been through a lot of these in my lifetime. I've even, at times, forced myself to write them down on paper. In essence, manifestos are just a giant version of my scrawly to-do lists that I never end up sticking to. So let’s not muck around. Let’s get AA about this.

I’m Jayo and I’m leading myself into a life of failure. I’m Jayo and I’m wasting my life away on momentary giggles. I’m Jayo and I’m addicted to the internet. I’m Jayo and I’m Jayo and I’m a self-destructive, chronic procrastinator.

And no, contrary to popular belief, procrastination cannot just be “got over”. Telling a procrastinator that they just need to manage their time better is like telling a depressed person to “cheer up, buddy”. This has been proven, don’t talk to me about this or suffer my wrath. I DO NOT HAVE A TIME-MANAGEMENT ISSUE. I have plenty of time. It’s my constant urge to waste it that’s my problem.

So anyway, if I'm to make this thing work, I'm going to need to cover all grounds. My little piece of paper infused with my moments of (momentary) productivity just aren't going to cut it. The way I see it, "the drive" that I've been searching for, a cure for my so-called "existentialism" (counselor's words, not mine), a magical moment of clarity, just isn't going to come. Procrastination, being my greatest enemy, is playing dirty. It makes my mind play tricks on me. It plays with my endocrine system. It assures me that "Everything's going to be okay". And I guess it will be. And I guess that every time I fail, I'm training myself to accept it. I'm young, skilled (I like to tell myself) and blessed with infinite resources.

So…why the heck is success so hard?!

I’m kicking myself right now just thinking about all the times this month alone that God (and I’m assuming we’re still BFFs) has given me lifelines. The miraculous all-nighters, the class cancellations, the amazing essays – I still can’t believe that he’s still with me.

But I lie. I’m not kicking myself. And I guess that makes me a bad person. How ungrateful am I being right now? How ridiculous is it that all my problems, all the extra hard work that I’m needing to do…they’re all because I was too lazy to start that freakin assignment early. Or too sure of myself that I was going to get it all done. See how annoying this is? I had the time. I had it and I wasted it. I know where I’m going wrong. I know exactly where I’m going wrong.

My counselor’s right, I really do need to know where I’m going with this. She asked me last week…the hardest question someone’s ever asked me. She asked me where I was going with all this…college and everything. She said that without knowing what I was doing it all for…I’m giving myself an excuse to not even try. I seriously don’t know. I thought I did awhile ago. And it scares me that I don’t know, it really does. But then again, who really does? Who has time to think about that stuff? I do, but I don’t. So I guess I won’t. I don’t think I need to yet. And I don’t wanna get stuck in something and realize that I don’t like it. That’s happened before.

So I’ll be different in my approach I guess. Not so much the endpoint this time. Not so much trying to take hold of the rest of my life this time. All of it – it doesn’t seem real you see. It doesn’t feel real. It’s all so adult. And at the same time, it’s all too real. I don’t know, maybe I’m just complicating it.
Regardless, I need this. A huge change. A vast improvement. A better lifestlyle. I need all of that. So without going too far into this thing people like to call “the future”, I guess my more permanent source of motivation…or “drive”…will be just that. I’m doing all this…the study…the reading…the change…for the sake of changing. I’m fully just ready to convince myself now that what I’m doing now…trawling the internet for things to make me laugh (for like a second) is harmful. I’m fully ready to accept that I’m leading a destructive lifestyle. I’m fully ready to just give my laptop to my parents or something. I’m fully ready to change.

I hope.

So on that note…no more motivational sentences that do nothing except lead me into a wikipedia-esque adventure trail. That clearly doesn’t work. No more late nights of catchups. It gets me tired the next day leaving me in the “I’ve achieved enough today, I think I’ll just mess around now” state (it’s a never-ending cycle). No more trying to mirror the lives of amazing people. God knows that never works…it only succeeds in strengthening my inferiority complex. No more “breaks” as I like to call them. The allotted 5 minutes clearly isn’t going to end up being 5 minutes. I won’t digg. I won’t tube. They’re not worth my time.

And now it’s gonna seem pretty crappy of me that I’m wanting to continue this tomorrow. But I’m tired. And human. And you’re just a blog. So stfu.
So tomorrow, a list will be present here. And it’s going to be in-depth dangit.

-jayo.