96,000....Go!

So I'm definitely slacking with my to-do-list.

Near the end of last sem, I made this fantastical list of things I want to have achieved by the end of this Winter break. I purposely made it extremely long and didn't even bother prioritizing. What it ended up being was a wishlist and involved learning Esperanto and reading a ton of books. Needless to say I haven't...Lernu any Esperantu and I've barely read a book these past few weeks.

I'm quite mad at myself for not knowing myself better.



So I condensed it into a comparitively smaller to-do-list, which is still kinda large and still very much untouched. I mean, it's been touched, but I feel like it would have been more touched had it not been for other things. I blame Shonda Rhimes and Lin-Manuel Miranda. I also blame internet television, my return to videogaming and, last but not least, clever shirts (sometimes).



I think they should rename Winter break. It tricks me into thinking that it's supposed to be a break...as in...relaxing and time-wasting. It should be named Winter Work. Or Winter things to do.

Except that I haven't completely wasted my time, I'm just achieving other things...that weren't even on my list. It's a little weird.

I've been jogging. Not a whole lot, but it's far better that never. I'm hoping to make it a permanent thing.

I've become a pesco-vegetarian. I know that makes some vegetarians angry but they'll just have to suck it. I'd rather die than not have sufficient Omega 3 fats.

I've cooked a great deal, which is kinda related to being vegetarian. I'm pretty sure I won't be doing anymore cooking once school starts though (which is a bummer).

I've been out of the house a lot. Which is a good thing, trust me.



Which only leaves a ton of real work, as in, important work that needs to be done.

Aside from that, I need to write more. I need to play instruments more. I need to read more. I need to jog more. I need to get my goddamn license. I need to blog more.

Someone...anyone...please kick my ass now.


end.

below: "In the Heights", a Broadway musical that I'm absolutely obsessed with right now, and I've only heard the soundtrack. Universal recently announced that they were making a movie version for 2010. I think I creamed...metaphorically.

Waiting for God, oh...

Ten dollar hoodie from Rue21. Black Friday was good to me.

So I'm writing this on my study break. Exam Period is a week away and I'm sort of shaky in a couple of places.

After having done no work in class in Modern Drama this whole Semester (not my fault but Norma Kroll's), we're still going to have a final exam. I only read half of the texts and now I'm expected to remember a quote from each of them? Needle. Haystack. Fudge.

So the entire class tried to convince her how tough it would be to write responses to six plays even though it was her fault we never went over them in class. I love her but I sometimes wish she knew what was going on half any of the time. So after about half an hour of trying to reason with her, she talks to us about her chemotherapy and all the sicknessness she's had and still does have and ends with "and you guys are complaining about 6 small quotes from 6 small texts?".

You can't argue with the chemo card. I just don't get how it's relevant.

Waiting for Godot's not turning out so bad. After experiencing Samuel Beckett's most absurd short plays live a couple of weeks back (produced by someone from PC's production class), I didn't think I'd be able to wrap my head around it. I think it's safe to say that I'll be able to understand this a little more than three people in trash cans speaking fast (which was amazing by the way).

The Way of a Pilgrim, however, is a piece of crap covered in scum. It's about an anonymous poor Russian (he had to be Russian) who walks around praying 30,000 times a day. I appreciate it's theological value and I get the fact that it's trying to portray or define devotion and the like, but it's repetitive, obsessive, tedious and retarded. I can't believe that out of all the texts we were given for this semester's Development of Western Civilization, this is the one I'm reading. Not Nathan the Wise, not Gulliver's Travels, not even TPaine's Common Sense. I'm reading this. And I'm bored. Which is probably the reason why I'm blogging right now. Because I'm dreading continuing it. It's worse than if Paris Hilton wrote a book on Lebanese (read that correctly) Philosophy. Damn this book to hell.

Black Friday was amazing. Never in my life had I waited for clothing stores to open. I was kinda surprised that my dad decided to take the whole family to Wrentham Villages (it's like an outlet village thing with MAD stores) at midnight to shop. Now, though, I'm poor. I'll take pictures of my fancy clothes when I'm super-bored in the Winter.

This thanksgiving break was pretty snazz. My buddy Jennifer, from Maine, came down as she wasn't exactly heading to California just for 4 days. Turkey was plentiful, shopping was had, and I finally was able to watch The Siterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. How perfect is that?

Also, this is the worst movie I've seen this year. It wasn't terrible, it just didn't end...good. Basically, The Visitor is about an old Professor who was bored and started playing African drums in his underwear with a Middle-Eastern guy who gets deported. The movie ends shortly after. Don't watch it. Ever.




I'll write a proper blog soon once I finish with my finals.

Procrastination procrastination procrastination procrastination.

The bane of my freakin' existence.

-Jayo

Below: Sigur Ros singing Gobbledigook...with Bjork. I can't, for the life of me, figure out why. Hilarious/awesome.

The news of my death has been greatly exaggerated.

Edit: My outfitting skills are still work in progress. Agree to disagree?

Original Post:

Oh what a difference a couple of weeks makes.

I have a slight feeling that I'm changing. It's not as if I feel like I'm becoming a different person. If anything, I feel like everything I've always felt the need to keep inside is slowly creeping out. So far, it's not been scary. So far, my innocence has not got the best of me. I feel like I'm willing to do things that I'd never have done before. I feel like there's a whole other side of me that I'm letting out of it's sad, sad cave.

I like, it's nice.

I've been watching a couple of theater classes since I last wrote. I pretty much think that theater at PC, along with the people, are amazing. If given the chance to go back in time and choose another major to double with, I'd choose theater. Other than being thoroughly entertaining, I feel like I'm also absorbing a million different ideas at the same time. I guess talent inspires. I want to write now, more than ever. I want to work at my instruments again, rather than just let them collect dust. I want read more, and speak more and sing more and just to generally do more. For the first time ever, I feel like I'm in College. Better late than never.

Despite all these things, I still have a slight procrastination issue. It's easier to blow off the procrastination now though since I'm spreading myself a little thinner than ever. The busier I get, the less time I have to randomly do unproductive things. I'm meeting people at least 5 times busier than I that complain about being lazy. I guess that makes me extremely lazy. I don't know. The important thing is, I'm experiencing things that I'd never experienced before and it's awesome.

In my general plan to constantly improve myself, I feel like I'm on the right path. None of it feels wrong. It doesn't feel like I'm making the wrong decisions. I have faith in my naive intuition and level-headedness. I'm actually dying to make a mistake I'll learn from (instead of mistakes that automatically fix themselves...as is often the case).

In short, I'm one productive activity short of amazing and I think, for the first time in my life (I know, it's a blogpost of firsts), I'm happy where I am thank you very much.

Good day!

Can't sleep. Typing til I'm sleepy.

I'm going to pretend that me not making my manifesto (in blog form) was part of my original plan. Something about the irony of the procrastination-post.

I do a lot of those.


--------

I love the winter. I'm sorry but I do. I can't wait for it to get cold again and for me to be able to wear my knits. I effen live for that shizz. I miss the snow. I miss not sweating. I miss looking formal and not being drenched underneath. I miss growing pale.

I miss having more to do. At least in the winter I've got school to worry about at the same time so I'm less sucked into the internet. Stupid, stupid internet. I wish my neighbours would try harder with their "UDP flood attacks" which apparently mean that they're trying to access our network and at the same time killing my internet.

I wish I'd watched every single show of every single series of every single television program already so that I'm not obligated to latch on to every past-popular series I've ever heard of. I'm trying to straight-A this coming semester and it most certainly won't happen the way things are going.

What the heck was I even on about?

So yeah I can't wait for the winter.


--------

That was fast.

Good night.

My Manifesto

I realize that I'm going to be rough with this little rant. I always am. But I'm being rough on purpose. I'm just getting back into this thing, plenty of time to get it right. And who's grading this anyway?

So...a manifesto...I've been through a lot of these in my lifetime. I've even, at times, forced myself to write them down on paper. In essence, manifestos are just a giant version of my scrawly to-do lists that I never end up sticking to. So let’s not muck around. Let’s get AA about this.

I’m Jayo and I’m leading myself into a life of failure. I’m Jayo and I’m wasting my life away on momentary giggles. I’m Jayo and I’m addicted to the internet. I’m Jayo and I’m Jayo and I’m a self-destructive, chronic procrastinator.

And no, contrary to popular belief, procrastination cannot just be “got over”. Telling a procrastinator that they just need to manage their time better is like telling a depressed person to “cheer up, buddy”. This has been proven, don’t talk to me about this or suffer my wrath. I DO NOT HAVE A TIME-MANAGEMENT ISSUE. I have plenty of time. It’s my constant urge to waste it that’s my problem.

So anyway, if I'm to make this thing work, I'm going to need to cover all grounds. My little piece of paper infused with my moments of (momentary) productivity just aren't going to cut it. The way I see it, "the drive" that I've been searching for, a cure for my so-called "existentialism" (counselor's words, not mine), a magical moment of clarity, just isn't going to come. Procrastination, being my greatest enemy, is playing dirty. It makes my mind play tricks on me. It plays with my endocrine system. It assures me that "Everything's going to be okay". And I guess it will be. And I guess that every time I fail, I'm training myself to accept it. I'm young, skilled (I like to tell myself) and blessed with infinite resources.

So…why the heck is success so hard?!

I’m kicking myself right now just thinking about all the times this month alone that God (and I’m assuming we’re still BFFs) has given me lifelines. The miraculous all-nighters, the class cancellations, the amazing essays – I still can’t believe that he’s still with me.

But I lie. I’m not kicking myself. And I guess that makes me a bad person. How ungrateful am I being right now? How ridiculous is it that all my problems, all the extra hard work that I’m needing to do…they’re all because I was too lazy to start that freakin assignment early. Or too sure of myself that I was going to get it all done. See how annoying this is? I had the time. I had it and I wasted it. I know where I’m going wrong. I know exactly where I’m going wrong.

My counselor’s right, I really do need to know where I’m going with this. She asked me last week…the hardest question someone’s ever asked me. She asked me where I was going with all this…college and everything. She said that without knowing what I was doing it all for…I’m giving myself an excuse to not even try. I seriously don’t know. I thought I did awhile ago. And it scares me that I don’t know, it really does. But then again, who really does? Who has time to think about that stuff? I do, but I don’t. So I guess I won’t. I don’t think I need to yet. And I don’t wanna get stuck in something and realize that I don’t like it. That’s happened before.

So I’ll be different in my approach I guess. Not so much the endpoint this time. Not so much trying to take hold of the rest of my life this time. All of it – it doesn’t seem real you see. It doesn’t feel real. It’s all so adult. And at the same time, it’s all too real. I don’t know, maybe I’m just complicating it.
Regardless, I need this. A huge change. A vast improvement. A better lifestlyle. I need all of that. So without going too far into this thing people like to call “the future”, I guess my more permanent source of motivation…or “drive”…will be just that. I’m doing all this…the study…the reading…the change…for the sake of changing. I’m fully just ready to convince myself now that what I’m doing now…trawling the internet for things to make me laugh (for like a second) is harmful. I’m fully ready to accept that I’m leading a destructive lifestyle. I’m fully ready to just give my laptop to my parents or something. I’m fully ready to change.

I hope.

So on that note…no more motivational sentences that do nothing except lead me into a wikipedia-esque adventure trail. That clearly doesn’t work. No more late nights of catchups. It gets me tired the next day leaving me in the “I’ve achieved enough today, I think I’ll just mess around now” state (it’s a never-ending cycle). No more trying to mirror the lives of amazing people. God knows that never works…it only succeeds in strengthening my inferiority complex. No more “breaks” as I like to call them. The allotted 5 minutes clearly isn’t going to end up being 5 minutes. I won’t digg. I won’t tube. They’re not worth my time.

And now it’s gonna seem pretty crappy of me that I’m wanting to continue this tomorrow. But I’m tired. And human. And you’re just a blog. So stfu.
So tomorrow, a list will be present here. And it’s going to be in-depth dangit.

-jayo.